So this just needs to happen. It's needed to happen for a while. Friends have saved e-mails from me before and printed them out so I could read them eventually because they're either "crazy", "hilarious", or "made no sense whatsoever". In the last 30 seconds I've thought about saying "I'm going to use this space as a sort of 'e-mail to myself' kind of outlet", but thats just stupid. I could easily just send an e-mail to myself, literally, and forget this whole morning ever happened. But I'm sure, deep down, I want more than that. Hopefully this will become more than some kind of daily self serving expression napkin I can spit into whenever I need to get whatever "it" is out of my lungs. Good God- I can see already that this is going to help me work on my metaphors, my spelling (I've already started a game, myself vs. red underline...what percentage of the time can I get it right the first time- and how many tries before I look for options?), and hopefully this'll eventually become a portfolio of sorts when I attempt to find work in either writing or editing, or making copies, answering phones, and sorting mail in a place where writing and editing happens.
Everyday, I decide I've figured out exactly what I want to do. I was really excited about advertising last February. I even started applying to MCAD, thinking I'd be able to get a Bachelors from there in only 2 years since I've already gotten three and a half years of art school out of the way. One pencil drawing to complete my portfolio away and I decided that "advertising would probably be the most painful career I could ever force myself into trying to be passionate about." So a few months ago I started buying nutrition books on Amazon and convinced myself that I'd make a bitchen dietitian. I went to St. Kate's and talked to some people there, walked around the bookstore, then found the CHEMISTRY LABS where the majority of my classes would be held. F that in the A. I booked and decided that I'd never get my Bachelors in anything, let alone finish my P.H.d. by the time I'm 26. Working as a janitor at the school across the street would be convenient though...I'm sick of feeling like I've got something to give. I can't decide whether or not I'm scared, lazy, or I lack talent and am completely conscious of it.
Nothing more attractive than letting a spoonful of oatmeal with chocolate chips fall out of your mouth back into the dish because its too hot...
Enough of this self exploration bullshit for now. Moving on...
So I don't want to be a music journalist necessarily, and I definitely don't want to be a rock critic. I also don't want to admit that I really started not working on Saturdays so I could listen to Sound Opinions on MPR from 9-10am. I know those two guys have other full time jobs (both rock journalist and pop music critics in Chicago respectively) but I would love to do what they do on Saturday mornings. Just talk music. Maybe it is being a music critic, but I hate that title. What right would I have to criticize anything that I don't in fact create myself? I have no idea what I'm getting at. All I know is that I'm going to start carrying around planner calender thing so at some point every day I don't get pissed off because I realized I missed a show I really wanted to go see the night before because I sat at home on Youtube for 6 straight hours with a bottle of wine and didn't think anything of it.
I still can't believe I missed Birthday Suits two weeks ago and was just sitting on the couch watching the History Channel (or more than likely Design to Sell). Idiot.
I'm going to google some recipes and make a grocery list. I'm sure I'll start writing a few times a day, then slowly stop completely. No, no I won't. Po-ta-tos.
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Kate (or Katie), whatever you now go by... I would love to recommend some reading for you. You are a great, humorous writer, now take a look at these recommendations please... for your sanity. The first book I highly recommend is The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp. I am, by no means, the most organized or outgoing person I know, but this book will make a dent in the least motivated of us. When you have finished it, turn to Allison Stanfield's I'd Rather Be in the Studio. If that doesn't do it fer ya, check out Artist's and Graphic Designer's Market. One of those ought to get you onto some sort of path you find delightful.
Also, don't worry. You are not alone in your thoughts. Every single person wonders what in the hell they're doing with their own life. I'm a successful artist and teacher. But if you were to talk to me on a bad day, I'd say I've made huge mistakes with my life. You know how long I worked at Daffies. For friggin' ever! That was too long... but I made a choice to get out and see some other things. Making that choice was the best decision of my life. Since you moved too, reflect on your decisions and new scenery. That might help.
When you've read those books, e-mail me or go to my blog (http://hepstercardsink.wordpress.com), or Facebook, or whatever. I have a plethora of brilliant ideas to help you get moving.
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